You’re not conflict avoidant. You’re resentful.

It would be impossible for me to count the number of times I've heard clients, in their first session, say "I just don't have a lot of emotions" or "I'm conflict avoidant". You may be reading this thinking "well, that's true, I'm a guy after all" (we'll address that nonsense later). The challenge with this is that this is usually just the beginning of the session—a general self-assessment in which the client feels that, sure, he's somewhat limited emotionally, but he doesn't cause problems and is pretty happy overall.

He thinks he is easygoing and doesn't let a lot of things bother him. But she can't seem to let anything go. And right there—in that thought—is the first hint: a little judgment, a little irritation.

He believes he lets things go, but the thought that drives the judgment is "she can't let anything go—she's impossible". He's not conflict avoidant—he's frustrated.

As the conversation continues, the story builds. He talks about how often she brings the same things up and how it always ends up with her angry at him, over and over. And how he begins to get quieter as the topic approaches—the thought "here we go again." He's not conflict avoidant—he's fearful. He's hopeless.

Here's what he's missing:

He isn't thinking "gosh these things really don't matter. I just don't care about what she is bringing up". He is thinking "Oh no. Once again she's mad at me. I can't do anything right in her eyes".

This isn't neutral or carefree—these thoughts are full of emotions: fear, frustration, to name a few.

The thoughts that follow sound like "there is nothing I'm going to say here that is going to go over well", "just get it over with", "she's impossible"—frustration, contempt. The mind focuses on the inaccuracies: "I did not say that. That isn't even what happened". Mental scorekeeping. And this laid back, easygoing guy often leaves these conversations and replays the scorecard—sometimes for hours, sometimes for days—mostly focused on what she said or did that was factually inaccurate or ridiculously overreacted to. But never actually addressing it or speaking to it.

Those internal thoughts, left unaddressed, do not disappear. They begin to calcify and turn into resentments. Not loud. Not explosive. Just distance. Disconnection. A quiet internal ledger.

Here's what happens next...

That resentment doesn't just sit there quietly. It leaks. Or it builds. Sometimes both.

It leaks. Snide remarks at dinner. A tone of indifference when she's talking about something that matters to her. He finds ways to highlight her "dramatic" nature to the kids later, in an otherwise unrelated conversation. He's not yelling. He's not fighting. But he's punishing her in small, deniable ways.

Or it builds. He disengages. Stops initiating conversation. Stops reaching out. He's physically present but emotionally gone. And the story in his head sounds reasonable: I'm not engaging because I don't want another conflict with her.

And there's some truth to that—he does believe she's the problem, and that speaking up will lead to a fight. But here's what he's missing: he's not choosing silence out of maturity or self-awareness. He's punishing her for something she doesn't even know she did.

When she notices and confronts him—"You've been distant, what's going on?"—he denies it. Because in his mind, he's not doing anything. He's just not engaging.

And eventually, it erupts. Could be months later. Could be days. Something small—a tone, a comment, something that wouldn't normally register—and suddenly he's had it. All the resentments he's been storing come pouring out. The scorecard gets read aloud.

This is what "conflict avoidance" actually creates: bigger, messier, more harmful conflict later. The conversation he didn't have at the beginning becomes the explosion he can't control at the end.

The real problem isn't conflict. It's self-awareness.

He's focused on what she's saying and how she's saying it, but has no idea what he's thinking or feeling. When his partner says "your jaw clenches when we talk" and he says "no it doesn't"—those are two different realities. She's watching his body. He's not even aware it's happening.

He isn't easygoing—he's judging. He isn't "moving on"—he's done talking about it. Those may look identical from the outside. Internally, they are entirely different experiences.

The defensiveness and irritability show up, even in the session. The "I'm fine" when he's clearly not. The belief that saying nothing means he's emotionally mature. This is the gap. And by the end of that first session, this is where the work begins.

Emotional maturity isn't avoiding the small conversation. It's having it early, when it's still small. But that requires knowing what's actually happening inside you in the first place.

So: are you conflict avoidant? Or just resentful?